Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Plethora of Quick Reviews

Vampire's Night Orgy (1973) - No. There is no orgy in this movie. And it was ever so poorly dubbed. And it was dubbed from Spanish, so you can just imagine the music. You're right. You can't. Let me describe it for you. Waka chicka bow wow. It was freaking disco music, and rather gay and merrily done during each of the horror scenes. No orgy! I repeat, no orgy! In fact, not only was there no orgy, but these vampires sucked! They moved so slow and didn't care where they bit you. There were some good scenes in it though. The finger in the food. The man going to chop up ctizens to feed to the tourists. The little girl's retarded death. And the music. You can't help but watch this movie and groove to it.

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) - Oh....dear.....god. I swear to god this movie had to have given me cancer, if not killed a few brain cells. What were with all the hands!? And the women in sumo diapers and bras?! And....please explain to me...what the hell the random ass cat fight between seven women was all about? Just rolling on the ground. Not to mention Mr. Pillow-legs, the horribly deformed. Please please please. Do not watch this movie unless you are drunk. Really really drunk. And with friends. And not watching it. That is really the best way to watch it. By not watching it.

Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory (1962) - I give this movie credit. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't good either. It was just kind of there, teetering on the edge. Basically, I really don't have much to say about this movie. I found it draub, boring, and, well, it was just boring.

Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter (1966) - Shit yeah, boys! You heard me! Jesse James! Frankenstein! I totally grabbed this one to watch just for the title, but to be honest, it was actually pretty good. I actually shut up making fun of the movie and watched it in actual slight enjoyment. Jesse James, the outlaw, managed to be such a playah. He had two women and really didn't want any of them. And his poor trusted companion was turned into Igor. Pretty good film. I'd sy watch it at least once.

Attack of the Giant Leeches (1959) - Oh no. Those aren't leeches. Those are people dressed up in BSDM latex body bag suits with the same little mouth piece for breathing. What happened in this movie? Fuck if I know. There were people and suddenly they were on a lake and then in some under water grotto thing being fed on by leeches and then their bodies began drifting up into the water. Just bad. And weird. And just...BSDM! I can't look at this movie without thinking about them all having sex after.

The Screaming Skull (1958) - So there is this guy, right? And he really is obsessed with skulls, right? And, well, that's as far as I got. I never managed to watch the end. Do you blame me? It really wasn't too thrilling and my brain would probably jump out and try to kill me if I tried to watch it again.

Beast of Yucca Flats (1961) - Why...can't....they speak....and...face...the camera?! It seems like everyone has to be off stage. Mostly because the entire thing felt like it was narrated by the same guy who just made funny voices for each of the people. And oh god! That woman! Butt fucking ugly! Who the hell would marry her, let alone sex her up enough to pop out two kids?! Too many terrible things with this movie. Scientist turned into crazy psycho killer because of communisits!? What the fuck, yo?! And the acting is so bad...they try to be dramatic but also fail miserably. And the whole scene with the guy being shot at and he keeps running...and the scene is constantly changing!! And he gets shot, and each time you see him running he is holding a whole different place on his body. What...WHAT?! I was warned. I was WARNED this was awful and I was SO NOT PREPARED! I think it is necessary for me to plunge sporks into my eyes now.

The Rogues Tavern (1936) - Not only was this movie not exciting or interesting, but the only comment I really have to make is that the blonde woman was really really blonde in it. And that's really it.

The Little Shop of Horrors (1960) - It must be good, cause I've seen it 3 times now. And why, would you ask? Simple. Jack Nicholson is in it and he's young as hell. And damn, just watching that scene causes me to giggle all over. But actually, besides poor sound quality and having to strain at times to hear, it was actually a really amazingly good movie and I liked it a lot. Especially the ending. So far from that newer musical version.

Monster from a Prehistoric Time (1967) - Bad dubbing again. Only this time it was the good kind of bad dubbing. The answer? This is a Japanese movie. So, yeah, you get all the awful awesome dubbing that comes with it. Unfortunately, and I really do mean unfortunately, you also get.... TADA! Asian people dyed black because they couldn't hire actual black people to play the part. And let me tell you, a Japanese kid covered in mud and given a terrible 'fro makes me want to cry. From the inside out. Not to mention the awful monsters in the movie. "Gappa go home" takes on a whole new meaning when I scream it at the tv and hope to block out the artistic nightmare that went into these bird/lizard creatures. All in all, good for a laugh and a groan.

The House on Haunted Hill (1959) - I saved the best for last. A Vincent Price movie. Sure, it wasn't scary like todays thrillers are, but it was amazing. I thoroughly enjoyed it and would happily watch it again under any and all conditions. Vincent Price is a master of his element and makes the movie incredibly enjoyable to watch, even if it is just to hear his sexy deep voice. Oh Vincent, why can't you still be alive today?

No comments: