Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Dementia 13 - 1963

This movie truly felt like your regular classic horror film as opposed to your classic cult horror film. The difference? It wasn't absolutely terrible. They tried to work with what they had in that day and age, using effects that were possible to be used in that time.

I admit when I started the movie, I feared it would be terrible. The first scene, which is also in most all plot summaries, is of a husband and wife getting into a row boat. The wife is concerned that they are not getting enough money of of the husband's mother's will. He seems unconcerned since it is her money to do as she pleases with. And then she is startled as his strength in rowing, telling him to take it easy. It is then that you learn that he has a heart condition as he replies, something along the lines of, "Your concern for my heart is touching. But it is only because you know that if I am gone you are only a stranger and not family and will get nothing." Then, near as soon as he finishes his little diatribe, he begins clutching at his chest and gasping. She searches for his pills which were empty and you come to the conclusion he had this all planned. Or that the director had this planned. Either way, it felt a little off and I wasn't certain I liked the start up. You can't just start the movie with a plot device like that. Oh well.

In anycase, from that point, the movie actually did start to get a little better. Slowly. But over all, I wasn't displeased with it. There were even moments I didn't want to take my eyes off the screen since something weird was going on there. I'm just glad my version I watched was in black and white and not color, though. And I swear I feel like I've watched this movie before. Or something very extraodinarily like it. It felt vaguely familiar.

Plethora of Quick Reviews

Vampire's Night Orgy (1973) - No. There is no orgy in this movie. And it was ever so poorly dubbed. And it was dubbed from Spanish, so you can just imagine the music. You're right. You can't. Let me describe it for you. Waka chicka bow wow. It was freaking disco music, and rather gay and merrily done during each of the horror scenes. No orgy! I repeat, no orgy! In fact, not only was there no orgy, but these vampires sucked! They moved so slow and didn't care where they bit you. There were some good scenes in it though. The finger in the food. The man going to chop up ctizens to feed to the tourists. The little girl's retarded death. And the music. You can't help but watch this movie and groove to it.

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) - Oh....dear.....god. I swear to god this movie had to have given me cancer, if not killed a few brain cells. What were with all the hands!? And the women in sumo diapers and bras?! And....please explain to me...what the hell the random ass cat fight between seven women was all about? Just rolling on the ground. Not to mention Mr. Pillow-legs, the horribly deformed. Please please please. Do not watch this movie unless you are drunk. Really really drunk. And with friends. And not watching it. That is really the best way to watch it. By not watching it.

Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory (1962) - I give this movie credit. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't good either. It was just kind of there, teetering on the edge. Basically, I really don't have much to say about this movie. I found it draub, boring, and, well, it was just boring.

Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter (1966) - Shit yeah, boys! You heard me! Jesse James! Frankenstein! I totally grabbed this one to watch just for the title, but to be honest, it was actually pretty good. I actually shut up making fun of the movie and watched it in actual slight enjoyment. Jesse James, the outlaw, managed to be such a playah. He had two women and really didn't want any of them. And his poor trusted companion was turned into Igor. Pretty good film. I'd sy watch it at least once.

Attack of the Giant Leeches (1959) - Oh no. Those aren't leeches. Those are people dressed up in BSDM latex body bag suits with the same little mouth piece for breathing. What happened in this movie? Fuck if I know. There were people and suddenly they were on a lake and then in some under water grotto thing being fed on by leeches and then their bodies began drifting up into the water. Just bad. And weird. And just...BSDM! I can't look at this movie without thinking about them all having sex after.

The Screaming Skull (1958) - So there is this guy, right? And he really is obsessed with skulls, right? And, well, that's as far as I got. I never managed to watch the end. Do you blame me? It really wasn't too thrilling and my brain would probably jump out and try to kill me if I tried to watch it again.

Beast of Yucca Flats (1961) - Why...can't....they speak....and...face...the camera?! It seems like everyone has to be off stage. Mostly because the entire thing felt like it was narrated by the same guy who just made funny voices for each of the people. And oh god! That woman! Butt fucking ugly! Who the hell would marry her, let alone sex her up enough to pop out two kids?! Too many terrible things with this movie. Scientist turned into crazy psycho killer because of communisits!? What the fuck, yo?! And the acting is so bad...they try to be dramatic but also fail miserably. And the whole scene with the guy being shot at and he keeps running...and the scene is constantly changing!! And he gets shot, and each time you see him running he is holding a whole different place on his body. What...WHAT?! I was warned. I was WARNED this was awful and I was SO NOT PREPARED! I think it is necessary for me to plunge sporks into my eyes now.

The Rogues Tavern (1936) - Not only was this movie not exciting or interesting, but the only comment I really have to make is that the blonde woman was really really blonde in it. And that's really it.

The Little Shop of Horrors (1960) - It must be good, cause I've seen it 3 times now. And why, would you ask? Simple. Jack Nicholson is in it and he's young as hell. And damn, just watching that scene causes me to giggle all over. But actually, besides poor sound quality and having to strain at times to hear, it was actually a really amazingly good movie and I liked it a lot. Especially the ending. So far from that newer musical version.

Monster from a Prehistoric Time (1967) - Bad dubbing again. Only this time it was the good kind of bad dubbing. The answer? This is a Japanese movie. So, yeah, you get all the awful awesome dubbing that comes with it. Unfortunately, and I really do mean unfortunately, you also get.... TADA! Asian people dyed black because they couldn't hire actual black people to play the part. And let me tell you, a Japanese kid covered in mud and given a terrible 'fro makes me want to cry. From the inside out. Not to mention the awful monsters in the movie. "Gappa go home" takes on a whole new meaning when I scream it at the tv and hope to block out the artistic nightmare that went into these bird/lizard creatures. All in all, good for a laugh and a groan.

The House on Haunted Hill (1959) - I saved the best for last. A Vincent Price movie. Sure, it wasn't scary like todays thrillers are, but it was amazing. I thoroughly enjoyed it and would happily watch it again under any and all conditions. Vincent Price is a master of his element and makes the movie incredibly enjoyable to watch, even if it is just to hear his sexy deep voice. Oh Vincent, why can't you still be alive today?

Santa Claus vs the Martians - 1964

You spell it S-a-n-t-a C-l-a-u-s,
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Yeah, yeah, for Santy Claus!

He's fat and round, but jumping jiminy,
He can climb down any chiminey.
Why do we hear sleigh bells ring?
Our hearts go ding-a-ling!

Things I learned from this movie:

-The theme song is really hard to get out of your head.
-Having Santa say, "Come here, Mr. Anderson. I want to show you something," sounds quite conspiratorial.
-Martians look just like humans except they all have bad fake orange tans and wear helmets adorned with tv antane and vaccuum cleaner parts.
-Martians live in a totalitarian dictatorship.
-Martians age the same as humans.
-Earth children care more about being home for Christmas than they do about their folks.
-When a UFO is seen in the sky, only the US cares about it.
-When a UFO is seen in the sky, the US immediately blames Russia.
-When a UFO is seen in the sky, the answer is to shoot first and ask questions later.
-If you mess with Santa, it means war. A toy war!
-If you say a martian looks like a tv, he will try to kill you.
-Martian children love Earth TV programs.
-Old martians talk painfully slow and don't wear helmets.
-Little Earth girls scream when scared.
-Little Earth boys try to reason when scared. And if that doesn't work, sabotage everything.
-Martians will mistake anyone in a red coat as Santa Claus.
-Tennis bat = cool. Sword chucks will ALWAYS = cooler.

A Bucket of Blood - 1959

Brief little synopsis of the movie: A wanna be artist is a waiter at a Bohemian beat-nick cafe. Right there should be enough for hilarity to ensue (remember, this is from my horror collection). But he can't do art. Instead, when he one day ends up magically stabbing a cat stuck in a wall and then ripping the wall apart to take out the incredibly rigormortis cat from the wall, he thinks... Hey! Clay! I can cover it in clay! Ah, the makings of an artist. And a murderer.

This movie is great for a few laughs. Mainly just listening to the horrible lines in it. Half of them are actually incredibly entertaining! And two of the beat-nicks are smoked up and high the entire time, so watching them creates fun as well.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the movie:

"Go down, you murderer, go down!" Being sung in a peppy country style by some weird cowboyish guy.

"Be a nose! BE! A! NOSE!" Frustrated wanna-be artist as he is grabbing lumps of clay and clapping them together in hopes of ingenious.

"Life is an obscure hobo, bumming a ride on the omnibus of art." One of the lines of the free form poet, Maxwell.

And, I saved the best quote for last:

Beatnik Hustler: I saw a statue once. It was called, "the third time Phyllis saw me, she exploded."
Beatnik Hustler's Partner: Man, what kind of statue was that?
Beatnik Hustler: I dunno, it was made out of driftwood and dipped in fluoric acid. Very wild.

-spoken by the two dude's who are high through the entire movie.

Yes. Yes. The ENTIRE movie is filled with comic gold like this. Classy. And awesome. I highly suggest it. In fact, I would totally watch this movie again due to the entertaining dialogues.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


I am a fan of really bad movies. In fact, I would consider myself a connisuer of sorts as I will not touch a bad movie that has been reworked to be made better. Example: Mystery Science Theater 3000. I enjoy watching the originals without the jokes brought into it, for I enjoy making my own.

But whether watching with friends or by myself, I enjoy making reviews at the end. I've been meaning to make a journal of sorts for putting up my movie reviews for some of the movies I have seen. I figured it was high time to start one up.

So here I am. This is my grand hello and announcement of joining. This blog will be used for one thing and one thing only. Reviews. I used to try and watch one movie a day, and I think I really should get back into that habit. I might post some old reviews to tickle my fancy and get me back into watching the movies in the first place, or perhaps just a list of the next movies I plan to watch. Either way, watch this space for further development.